A few months ago on my 32nd birthday, I made a vow to myself (33 actually) to make more room for myself in my life. I'd come to a point where my life was so noisy I couldn't hear my voice.
So I thought about things I wanted. I set out on a journey to better physical and mental health. I got a therapist, signed up for pole fitness and dance classes, a subscription with Noom, and began cooking more frequently and eating more fruits and veggies. My body has felt better than it has in a while and I've already lost 14lbs. I feel stronger every day but more importantly, I'm finally listening to my inner self: mind, body, and spirit.
A week ago, I had a moment. I felt overwhelmed, as we all sometimes do on a day when there are too many choices to make, too many voices talking, and in general just too much going on. I let my head rest on my desk for a second and wished for the stillness of quiet. A few moments later, I got up and carried on about my day.
Well, be careful what you wish for.
Two positive COVID tests later, I found myself forced into the quiet I had been desperately seeking and with several days of self-isolation ahead of me.
God is a funny God.
Being quarantined (particularly without my spouse) hasn't been the most fun but in a way, it was everything I needed. Here in the quiet place, I've heard everything and nothing at all.
I've journaled more, meditated more, studied my Bible, and rested in a way I can't ever do in my loud, everyday life. By shutting out the noise, I was able to hear myself and my needs and wants. I realized, in some form or another, that I've been practicing this skill all year. Ever since I made those 32 vows. As my therapist tells me, I'm getting much better at saying no and setting boundaries in my life. I am pursuing my dreams and goals for myself, instead of trying to live up to others' expectations which, for someone still overcoming social anxiety, is hard to do. For the first time in my life, my opinion of me outweighs others' opinions of who they think I am. It's not that I don't hear their opinions, but it's becoming easier to drown out their voices and let mine take a front seat.
In this quiet place, I am finding myself. Here is where my voice and the voice of God speak the loudest. The most important voices.
For once I am truly listening and embracing what I hear.
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